I'm in a strange and pensive mood today. Been reading blogs of some people, and all that strikes me is that people are trying so hard to prove something to the world, and to themselves, that they just forget that its important to be comfortable with yourself, and have some time for introspection.

I don't think people are comfortable with their lonely selves anymore. Esp. today's youth. The world is such a big rat race, that the only thing that seems important is to blow one's own trumpet, and shout from rooftops. On the other end of the spectrum, some live in misery and end up as judgemental cynics who refuse to see anybody else's viewpoint.

Am I making any sense? Guess I just have this mish-mash of thoughts in my brain that are pushing each other to jump out and express themselves as coherent words on this post.

The last 4 years have been this amazing experience for me as a person. Met so many people, primarily students of the age group 20-25. I've been involved in teaching for about 3 years, and if there is any other experience more eye-opening than that, I am yet to discover it.

When you leave an experience like that, to sit in a concrete jungle, and stare at the machine that's suddenly become your only confidante and is slowly threatening to become the only interface to life... you start thinking about all you've left behind. Which is what I'm doing right now.

I love the teaching experience. You get to brush against a wide array of personalities, each like this un-cut rock, fresh from the earth. And then as you contribute to the process of smoothening their edges and sharpening their points, they in turn polish your rough edges and make you a better person each day.

My only sorrow is that in today's man-kill-man world, I don't think students really have the time to savour the experience of education and develop the strength in their character, that gets them through life. The only thing that's persistent for them is pressure. Pressure to perform, peer pressure, parental pressure, educational pressure. They are a confused lot. Confused about the directions they should take, and what they should become. Driven by the desire to succeed, but seldom deeming it important to match their personal goals with their dreams. Moving from job to job, in pursuit of something that can in reality, never be achieved. Not knowing what *they* want. Having ideas, but never ideals.

And sometimes, I think knowing what one wants also comes with a price. The price of having to listen to all those "we know all" people out there, who give you unsolicited advice, and scorn your choices, just because it may not conform with theirs. It comes with the price of having to explain day-in and day-out, why and wherefore you chose something. Its almost as if present day humanity detests personal choices. Who has the right to make a personal choice? They should conform to globally accepted norms. Even if the norms conflict with personal desires.

It takes tremendous courage to make a different choice, to take a less tread path, to be out of the rat race. Tremendous courage, or irrepressible stupidity. Strong ideals or utter chaos. When with the former, a person has to spend his/her entire life trying to justify the choice to the ones who ask why, or scoff n sneer; one who falls into the latter category is committed to a life of "if only I...".

We need a change. A change in perception, a change in attitudes. Change in education, in family values, in society itself. That's too much to ask isn't it... And n number of people have mulled over it till the whole idea has become cliched. I know change begins with a single person, and with each person's self endeavour, so  I pray that we are going that way hopefully...

Meanwhile, let me savour my experiences as a teacher, hoping that somehow somewhere, I've been able to make a difference in atleast 1 person's life. Give definition to his/her hopes, and shed light on the paths they could choose...

And let me also savour the wonder they've brought to my life in return. The joy I've felt when they achieve something significant, and the pleasure to be part of them, part of their lives. It makes my life all the more clear to me, and makes me comfortable in my lonely space.

Three bugs have hit me in the recent past (maybe since about 2 weeks, that is). Here they are in no particular order:

1) Fame Gurukul: I didn't think reality shows were so gripping actually. Saw only the last 2 week episodes of Indian Idol, cos, I was frowning till then about the hype of reality shows and singing stars... But by the time the show was in the last episodes, I was totally hooked... the finish was nail-biting, and I had bitten all the nails that ever existed on my fingers. I had also send (*sheepish look on my face*) some SMS-es in favor of Abhijeet Sawant ;). But of course this entry is not about Indian Idol, so enough of it. What I really meant to say is that Indian Idol dissipated some of my hate for reality TV shows, but not all of it. Esp. when Fame Gurukul was being advertised on the telly, I'd decided I'd had enough of singing shows and all this was a little too much. So I didn't see about 4 weeks of the shows on TV. And then one day I happened to browse through Sony and came up on the sight of a guy crying pitifully, in fact, almost wailing openly on the TV. Curiosity spurred me to keep looking, and finally I was sucked into the vortex. What started out as curiosity has now ended as this mania. I go home early and wait anxiously till 8.30 to see the show on Sony. I'm familiar with all the kids, and I laugh and cry with them each day. I go mad when I see someone being unfair about someone else, and I stare dubiously when I think some student is being favored. I've even gone to the extent of sending SMS-es (yet again...), and browsing through their site www.famegurukul.sify.com(!!) since I couldn't handle the suspense till the evening, and I was looking at picking up bits of info on the site (which of course turned out to be false hope). But I still read into the backgrounds of all those kids (who have become part of my life now)... I'm wondering what I'll do once the show is over, but till then, I'll be this mad viewer, dutifully watching the show each weekday, cursing the weekends cos the show isn't there and watching reruns and analysis of it on MTV till 9.30.

2) Auctioning: This is the craziest one yet. I had absolutely no interest in online shopping, and used to even give out advice to people about the ill-effects of e-commerce. But here I am since a week; bidding online!!! And again the nail-biting effect. Praying that someone doesn't bid higher, and that I get some product for the ridiculously low price. Unfortunately, yours truly hasn't had much success, and haven't bought anything yet. But still here I am: browsing crazily for stuff on the net, and searching for auction sites on google. (Yup, its time to throw me into the loony bin!)

3) Fitness: This isn't last on the list, because it has least priority. And for the people who really doubt this entry, well, its time for you to be surprised. Because, me, the fatso who didn't mind what entered my mouth as long as it had some taste to it, has finally become fitness conscious. Can you believe it? I have started working out regularly (haven't seen too much of an effect, but yes, its slowly coming...) and watching what I eat. I'm even browsing the net (now that seems to be the common factor in all these three entries isn't it - tells you only one thing then: I don't have enough work ;) and am getting paid unnecessarily to browse the net for personal satisfaction). Coming back to the latest fad in my life, don't get mistaken ideas that I'm dieting. No way dude. No diets for me ever. I just said: I'm watching what I'm eating. Which just means that I get to say no to certain foods, and yes (when I want to treat myself). And I just mentally tell my body to absorb only enough to get it going, and not to store any fat (The secret of effective fitness also lies in mental strength, you know)

I'll write more about these topics on which I've suddenly become knowledgeable in the next posts of mine. For now, I've written too much gyan already...

Life is full of compromises...

Where is the magic that we believe in as children? Where are the miracles that we think would happen to us? What happened to the fairy tale world of dreams that we were in, during our childhood?

I'm slowly and sadly realizing that dreams, magic and miracles probably exist in movies and books [Have a good mind to sue those people responsible for making me believe they exist, and would happen to me too]. The hard, cold and cruel world that you grow in, only contribute to snuffing the life out of your dreams; With each step you take, you're told again and again, that life is full of compromises, and that you really can't get everything you want.

The world is not rose-colored, you've got to fight for what you want in life, the man of your dreams is not gonna come on a white charger, looking for the love of his life (with whom he'll have an eternally romantic and passionate life) and life just doesn't have a "they lived happily ever after" ending line. Things I've heard repeated till my ears have started aching.

But somehow, I can't get rid of my dreamy self. Probably because I've read too many books and seen too many movies, to be able to make myself believe hard reality. I cannot be practical and that's it. So if I make a fool of myself by not growing up, and not making the right decisions, then So Be It. I'd like it better to be a fool who's made her own decisions, than one who's made other people's decisions.

P.S. Pls. don't think I'm saying all this coz I'm a Harry Potter fan. I don't like hype, and haven't read a single Potter book. Magic for me goes a long way back - much before J.K.Rowling started to write books, or the whole world got caught in Potter mania (abt which I have lots to say, but wouldn't like to say it right now ;), since I may get sued myself! )